rachel

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Rachel: "What if I don't want to be a shoe? What if I want to be...a purse, ya know, or, or, a...a hat."

Rachel: "Oh God, and now I'm going to have to return the ring, without the ring, which makes it soooo much harder..."

Phoebe: "Ooh, you know my friend Abby who shaves her head? She says you can do this cleansing ritual."
Rachel: "Phoebes, this woman is voluntarily bald."

Phoebe: "And now we need the semen of a righteous man."
Rachel: "Okay, Phoebes. You know, if we had that, we wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first place."

Monica: "Um, you guys? Remember when I said before, "Thank you, but I really don't need your help?""
Rachel: "Actually, what I think you said was, "Don't touch that, and get the hell out of my kitchen."

Rachel: "Hey, Chandler...Monica just broke my seashell lamp!"
Chandler: "Neat! I'm gonna die alone."
Rachel: "...OK...you win."

Rachel mocking Ross: "Ooh, I'm a man! Ooh, I have a penis! Ooh, I have to win money to exert my power over women!"

Phoebe: "In the cab, on the way over, Steve blazed up a doobie."
Rachel: "What?"
Phoebe: "Smoked a joint. You know, lit a bone... weed, hemp, ganja..."
Rachel: "Okay, okay! I'm with ya, Cheech."

Monica: "This woman's living my life, I should get to see what she looks like."
Rachel: "Go to the post office - I'm sure her picture's up."

Rachel to Marcel: "Bad, bad monkey!
Ross: "What? What happened?"
Rachel: "Oh, let's just say my Curious George isn't curious anymore!"

Chandler: "So Rach, did you dream about me last night?"
Rachel: "Well, you weren't the only one there. Joey was there too."
Joey: "Whoa! So was it like you and Chandler and then you and me, and then you and me and Chandler."
Rachel: "Yeah. Well, there were times when it wasn't even me."

Rachel: "Oh, Joey. When I saw him get off that plane with her, I really thought I'd just hit rock bottom. But today, it's like there's rock bottom, fifty feet of crap, then me."

Rachel: "Hi, excuse me. I need to borrow your phone for just one minute."
Guy With Cellular Phone: "I'm talking!"
Rachel: "I can see that. I... it's just one call. I'll be very quick. I'll even pay for it... (silence) OK, you're being a little weird about your phone!"

Rachel: Why didn't he call? He's gonna stay with Julie, isn't he? He's gonna stay with her and she'sgoing to be all, "Hi, I'm Julie, Ross picked me, and we're gonna to get married, have a lot of kids and dig up stuff together."
To hear it all click here

Mr. Treeger: "So, uh, is this mistletoe?"
Rachel: "No, act... No, uh, that is... basil!"
Mr. Treeger: "Ah, if it was mistletoe I was gonna kiss you."
Rachel: "Yeah... No, it's still basil."

Ross: "And you had no idea they weren't getting along?"
Rachel: "None."
Joey: "They didn't fight a lot?"
Rachel: "No! They didn't even talk to each other! My god, how was I supposed to know they were having problems?"

Rachel's Mom: "Oh, look at this."
Rachel: "Ahh, these are our Halloween pictures from three years ago!"
Rachel's Mom: "Oh, and look. Here's Barry. Did he have to come straight from the office?"
Rachel: "Oh, no, that was his costume. See, he's actually an orthodontist, but he came as a regular dentist."

Monica: "Is there any chance that you could look at this as flattering? I mean, [your mom]'s doing it because she wants to be more like you.
Rachel: "Well, then, you know... couldn't she have just copied my haircut?"

Rachel's Mom: Oh, my god! There's an unattractive, nude man playing the cello!
Rachel: Yeah, well, just be glad he's not playing a smaller instrument!

Rachel: "Oh, god, I'm sorry! It's just that when you moved your hands down to my butt, it was like, "Whoa! Ross's hands are on my butt!""

Rachel: Just one cheek.
Ross: Nuhuh, the moment's gone.
Rachel: Alright, just put your hands out and I'll back up into them.
Ross: Oh, that's romantic...
Rachel: Come on, touch it!
Ross: No.
Rachel: Oh, come on! Squeeze it!
Ross: No!
Rachel: Rub it!
Ross: NO!
Rachel: Oh, come on! Would you just grab my ass?!

Richard: "Hear that? She likes me best, and apparently there've been a lot."
Monica: "Not a lot. Phoebe's kidding. Phoebe's crazy."
Rachel: "Phoebe's dead!"

Rachel to Ross: "Oh please! That Paolo thing was barely a relationship. All it really was was just, ya know, meaningliess animal sex. OK. Ya know, that sounded sooooo much better in my head."

Rachel: "OK, I, I will do your laundry for one month."
Monica: "No."
Rachel: "OK, OK, OK, I will, I will, I, hey, I will clean the apartment for two months."
Monica: "Alright, I tell you what, I'll give this to you now if you can tell me where we keep the dustpan."
Rachel: "Agghhh!!!"

Phoebe: "Is Ross the boss of you?"
Rachel: "No, he's not."
Phoebe: "Then who is the boss of you?"
Rachel: "...YOU?"

Rachel after Phoebe shows Rachel her "tattoo": "Oh, what a load of crap! That's a dot! Your mother is up in heaven going, 'Where the hell is my lilly you wuss?'"

Phoebe explaining why she didn't get a tattoo: "I know, I know, and I was gonna get it, but then he came in with this needle and uh, di-, did you know they do this with needles?"
Rachel: "Really? You don't say! Because mine was licked on by kittens!"

Rachel: "OK, OK, OK. Moving on, moving on, next question. OK, number 29. Have you ever betrayed another goddess for a lightening bearer? OK, number 30."
Monica: "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's go back to 29."
Rachel: "Not, uh, not to my recollection."
Monica: "Hu-uh. Alright. Danny Arshak, ninth grade. Oh, c'mon Rach, you know the bottle was totally pointing at me."
Rachel: "Only 'cause you took up half the circle!"

Monica pretending to be Rachel: "I'm that stupid"
Rachel pretending to be Monica: "I'm not too bright either"

Rachel: "How am I supposed to walk down that aisle looking like something you drink when you're nauseous?"

Chandler: "Yeah, he let us drive his Jaguar. Joey for 12 blocks, me for 15."
Rachel: "Wow, he must like you the best."

Ross: "Well, just hold him like you'd hold a football."
Rachel: "This is how I would hold a football."

Ross: "OK. Then you're gonna have to understand that you're with a guy who's not gonna stop planning his future with you because he knows that we're gonna end up together and if that scares you, tough, 'cause you're gonna have to deal with that."
Rachel: "Fine, I will."
Ross: "Good, 'cause I love you."
Rachel: "Oh yeah."
Ross: "Yeah."
Rachel: "Well I love you too."
Ross: "Well that's the first time we've said that."
Rachel: "Yes it is."
Ross: "Well, I'm gonna kiss you."
Rachel: "Well you better."

Monica to Joey: "Oh, wait! (reads) "P.S. Enclosed, please find 14 of my eyelashes.""
Rachel: "You know, in Crazy World, that means you're married!"

Rachel: "…I am jealous of her?! I mean who does she think she is?! Princess Caroline?!" (about her sister Jill)
Monica: "You’re jealous of Princess Caroline?"
Rachel: "Do I have my own castle?"