joey

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Phoebe: "Oooh! Oooh! You got the bigger half! What did you wish for?"
Joey: "The bigger half."

Ross: "We don't need to tell Chandler. I mean, it was just a kiss, right? One kiss. No big deal, right?"
Joey: "Right, it's no big deal...in a bizarro world!"

Joey: "She said she wants to slather my body with stuff and then lick it off. I'm not even sure what slathering is, but I definitely want to be part of it!"

Joey to Ross: "You like this girl, don't you? You wanna see her again? So if you can't talk dirty to me, how can you talk dirty to her? Now tell me you want to caress my butt!"

Ross referring to Rachel's resumes: "Rachel, did you proofread these first?"
Rachel: "Yeah, why?"
Ross: "Oh, nothing, I'm sure they'll be impressed with your excellent 'compuper' skills."
Rachel: "Oh, my God! Do you think it's on all of them?"
Joey: "Oh, no, I'm sure the Xerox machine caught a few."

Ross: "You cook naked?"
Joey: "Well, salads and stuff. Nothing that splatters."

Joey: "Hi! I'll be reading for the role of Mercutio."
Auditioner: "What's your name?
Joey: "Holden McGroin"

Ross in reference to Marcel: "He's reached sexual maturity."
Joey to Chandler: "Hey! He beat 'ya!"

Joey: "What, you think I'm gonna tell a girl I like that I'm also seeing a cup?"

Monica: "Joey, have you ever thought of being there for her?"
Joey: "What do you mean?"
Monica: "You know...be there for her."
Joey shaking his head: "I'm still not following ya, Mon."

Ross: "Well, Rachel's having drinks with him tonight."
Joey: "Oh no! How can she do that, when she's never shown any interest in you?!?"

Rachel regarding Ross: "Does he want to go out with me?"
Joey: "Given that he's desperately in love with you, he probably wouldn't mind getting a cup of coffee or something."

Joey [questionning Carol about breast feeding]: "Ok, I got one, I got one. If he blows into one, does the other one get bigger?"

Chandler: "Ok, Janice. Janice. You gotta give me Janice. That wasn't about being picky."
Ross: "We'll give you Janice."
Phoebe: "I miss Janice though. "Hello, Chandler Bing.""
Rachel: ""Oh, my, god.""
Joey: ""Oh, Chandler, now, now, that's it. There, faster!""
To hear it click here

Chandler: "What is this in my pocket? Oh, it's Joey's porno movie!"
Ross: "Pop it in!"
Joey to Chandler: "I'm fine with it...I mean, if you're OK watching a movie full of
two-nippled people."

Joey: "Hi, here's the deal. We lost a carseat on a bus today.
It's white plastic, with a handle, and it fits onto a stroller. Oh, and there was a baby in it. "

Ross: "What about Ben? We can't bring a baby to the hospital."
Joey: "We'll watch him."
Ross: "I don't think th..."
Joey: "What? I have seven Catholic sisters. I've taken care of hundreds of kids."

Joey: "Let me get this straight: He got you to beg to sleep with him, he got you to say he never has to call you again, and he got you thinking that this is a great idea?"
Phoebe: "Uh-huh."
Joey: "This man is my god!"

Phoebe: "Why Scott doesn't want to sleep with me. It's 'cause I'm not sexy enough."
Joey: "Phoebe, that's crazy. When I first met you, you know what I said to Chandler? I said, "Excellent butt, great rack.""

Ross: "She's my ex-wife. If, if she were marrying a guy, none of you would expect me to be there."
Joey: "Hey, if she were marrying a guy she'd be, like, the worst lesbian ever."

Joey: "Alright, well next time you take a shower, think about the last thing I wash and the first thing you wash."

Ross: "I, I don't know. It's got all this stuff about wind and trees and there's some kind of sacred pool in it. I mean, I don't really get it, but she's, she's pretty upset about it."
Joey: "See. This is why I don't date women who read!"

Ross: "What, what's that?"
Joey: "It's my Visa bill. Envelope one of two. That can't be good."

Ross: "What? Whoa! Whoa! $3500 at Porcelain Safari?"
Joey: "My animals. Hey, the guy said they suited me. He spoke with an accent...I was all confused."

Joey: "Haven't you ever been beaten up before?"
Ross: "Yeah!"
Joey: "By someone besides Monica?"

Monica: "Hey, have you guys eaten? Because, uh, Richard and I just finished and we've got leftovers...chicken and potatoes...What am I wearing? Actually, nothing but rubber gloves."
Joey: "Ya know, one of these times you're gonna really be naked and we're not gonna come over."

Monica: "Hey. Where is he? Where's Richard? Did you ditch him?
Joey: "Yeah. Right after we stole his lunch money and gave him a wedgie. What's the matter with you? He's parking the car!"

Janice: "I’m sorry I find it hard to believe that a group of
people who spends as much time together as you guys do
has never bumped uglies."
Joey:" Well, there was that one time that Monica and Rachel
got together."
Monica and Rachel: "What?!!"
Rachel: "Excuse me, there was no time!"
Joey: "Okay, but let’s say there was. How might that go? "

Phoebe: He’s alive! He’s a-live!!!
Monica: And yet, we’re still poking him.
Joey: Okay, retract the device, retract the device.
Ross: He does not look happy.
Rachel: Hey-hey, now he’s showing us his poking device.
Joey: Hey, that’s never gonna make it all the way over here, buddy!

The One With All The Jealousy

Chandler: "Well, why don't you send her a musical bug, op,
no you already did that. All right look, you're going to
have to go there yourself now, okay, make a few surprise
visits."
Ross: "I don't know you guys. "
Chandler: "All right fine, don't do anything, just sit here and
talk to us, meanwhile she is talking to him about you. And
he's being Mr. Joe Sensitive, and she starts thinking
'Maybe this is the guy for me, because he understands me.'"
Joey:" And before you know it, she's with him. And you'll be
all, 'Ohh, man!' And he'll be all, 'Yes!' And us, we'll be like,
'Wh-whoa, dude.' And pretty soon you'll be like, (sadly)
'Hhiii,' and, and, and, 'I can't go, Rachel and Mark might
be there.' And we'll be like, 'Man get over it, it's been four
years!!'"

Phoebe: "What?! I thought you were crazy about her!"
Chandler: "Yeah, I know, but all of those little annoying
things she did before we fell in love? Like her voice, her
laugh, her personality. Well, they’re all back! Y’know? And
she’s picked up like nine new ones!"
Joey: "So what are you doing bringing her here?! There’s people here! "

Ross: "What do I do now?"
Joey: "You play hard to get."
Ross: "She already lives in London."
Joey: "Then you go to Tokyo. "

Chandler: "Okay, there are no famous Joey’s. Except for,
huh, Joey Buttafucco."
Joey: "Yeah, that guy really hurt us. "

Chandler:" Oh, she’s got you running errands, y’know,
picking up wedding dresses...Wah-pah! Ross: What’s
wah-pah?"
Chandler: "Y’know, whipped! Wah-pah!"
Joey: "That’s not whipped! Whipped is whi-tcssh!"
Chandler: "That’s what I did. Wah-pah!"
Joey: "You can’t do anything! "

Joey: "It’s better! You can’t go to a museum in your
underwear!"
Chandler: "Well, You could, but... probably just the one
time."
Joey: "I bet we could get videos of all the sites, get a VCR in
our hotel room... we'd never even have to go outside!"
Chandler: "If we do that, we gotta get Die Hard."
Joey: "Oh-ho! I bet the British version is gooooood!"

Joey: "Come on Ross! Look, I-I don’t have any brothers; I’ll
never get to be a best man!"
Chandler: "You can be the best man when I get married."
Joey: "I’ll never get to be a best man! "