chandler

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Monica: "It's not a date; it's just two people going out to dinner and not having sex."
Chandler: "Sounds like a date to me."

Chandler: "I'm smoking, I'm smoking, I'm smoking."
Phoebe: "I can't believe you, you've been so good for three years! "
Chandler: "And this is my reward!"
Ross: "Hold on just a second, think about what you went through the last time you stopped."
Chandler: "Ok! So this time I won't quit!"

Chandler: "Hey you know, I've had it with you guys and your 'cancer' and your 'emphysema' and your 'heart disease' -- the bottom line is, smoking is cool and you know it!

Chandler to Jill Goodacre: "You know, on second thought, gum would be perfection."
Jill Gives Chandler an odd look and a piece of gum
Chandler to himself: "Gum would be perfection?? Gum would be perfection?? Could have said, 'gum would be nice' or 'I'll have a stick.' But, noooo. For me, gum is perfection. I loathe myself."
To hear it click here

Rachel: Men can pee standing up!
Chandler: We can? Okay, I'm trying that.

Chandler: "You know, I don't know why you're so embarrassed. They were very nice boobies."
Rachel: "'Nice?' They were 'nice'? I mean, that's it? I mean, mittens are 'nice'."
Chandler: "Okay. Rock . . hard place . . me"

Chandler: "Don't we look nice all dressed up? [pause] It's things like that, isn't it?"

Chandler lifting his glass: "I'd like to propose a toast. Little toast here. I know this isn't the Thanksgiving any of you planned. But for me, this has been really great, mostly because it didn't involve divorce or projectile vomiting."

Rachel: "Chandler, I've got to tell you, I love your mom's books. I love her books! I cannot get on
a plane without one. This is so cool."
Chandler: "Yeah, well, it's not so cool when you're eleven and all your friends are passing around page 79 of Mistress Bitch."

Chandler to Ross: "Look, just because you played tonsil tennis with my mom doesn't mean you know her."

Chandler: "I just don't have that much chefing experience...unless it's an all-toast restaurant."

Joey to Ross: "Well, if you can't talk dirty to me, how are you going to talk dirty to her? Now tell me you want to caress my butt."
Chandler walking in: "It's okay. It's okay. I was always rooting for you two guys to get together."

Ross: "What about Phoebe's birthday?"
Joey: "Is that today? What are the odds?!"
{long pause}
Ross: "You take you time."
{Joey gets it}
Chandler: "Theeeeeere it is!"

Rachel: "Oh, oh, oh. Guess what?
Chandler: "The last dentist caved and now all five recommend Trident?

Chandler to "hot" girls: We do have a certain amount of expertise in the heating and cooling milieu."

Joey: "I loved high school. You know, it was just, like, four years of parties and dating and sex..."
Chandler: "Yeah, well, I went to boarding school with four hundred boys. Any sex I had would have involved a major lifestyle choice."

Phoebe: "Just do it. Call her. Stop being so testosteronie."
Chandler: "Which, by the way is the real 'San Francisco Treat'."

Chandler on phone: "I got her machine."
Joey: "Her answering machine?"
Chandler: "No, interesting enough, her leaf blower picked up."

Phoebe: "If you want, call her machine. If she has a lot of beeps, it probably means she hasn't picked up her messages yet."
Chandler: "You don't think that seems a little..."
Ross: "Desperate? Needy? Pathetic?"
Chandler: "You obviously saw my personal ad."

Joey: "How young is Young Ethan?"
Monica: "He's our age."
Chandler: "When we were....?"

Chandler: "See, it pays to know the man who wears my shoes."
Joey and Ross: (looking confused)
Chandler: "Me!"

Joey and Ross: "My scone. My scone."
Chandler: "That is so not...that is so not...oh shut up!"

Monica: "You know, sometimes it just doesn't work out."
Chandler: "And this has nothing to do with the fact that he needs a note to get out of gym?"

Monica looking at Ben: "I can't believe one of us actually has one of these."
Chandler: "I know. I still am one of these."

Joey: "You know how you always think you're really good in bed?"
Chandler: "The fact that you'd even ask that shows how little you know me."
Joey: "Well, last night, I couldn't do all the stuff that normally makes me great, and I had to do all
this other stuff. And the reaction I got, man, it was like a ticker-tape parade!"
Chandler: "Yes, I know. As it happens, my room is very close to the parade route."

Joey's Girlfriend: "There is a child inside this man."
Chandler: "Yes, the doctors say that if they remove it he'll die."

Chandler: [in a deep voice] Men are here.
Joey: We make fire. Cook meat.
Chandler: Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back.
To hear this quote click here

Chandler: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?
Rachel: What did you just say?
Chandler: [panicked] ahem... um... Crystal duck.
Rachel: No, no, no.... the, um, the... 'love' part?
Chandler: [stuttering incoherently] F-hah.... flennin....
Rachel: Oh.... my God.
Chandler: [rubbing his temples] Oh, no no no no no....
To hear the whole scene click here

Ross: "There was always this little voice inside that said, 'It's never gonna happen. Move on.' And you know whose voice that was?"
Chandler: "God?"
Ross: "It was you, pal."
Chandler: "Well, maybe it was just God doing me."

Chandler: "Come on, you're going to Bloomingdales with Julie? That's like cheating on Rachel in her house of worship."

Chandler: "Janice was my safety net, okay? And now I have to get a snake."
Phoebe: "Uh huh, and why is that?"
Chandler: "If I'm gonna be an old, lonely man, I'm going to need a thing, you know -- a hook. Like that guy on the subway who eats his own face. So I figure I'll be Crazy Man with a Snake, you know? Crazy Snake Man. Then I'll get more snakes, call them my babies; kids won't walk by my place, they will run! 'Run away from Crazy Snake Man!' they'll shout!"

Monica: "Guys, we bought the tickets."
Phoebe: "Well, then you'll have extra seats, you know, for all your tiaras and stuff."
Chandler: "Why did you look at me when you said that?"

Monica: "Come on. Five more push-ups."
Chandler: "I can't do it."
Monica: "Five more and I'll flash you."
Chandler: "One...two...two and a half. Alright, show me one."

Chandler: "I'll take one. Sometimes I like to hold stuff like this and pretend I'm a giant."

Joey at Carol and Susan's wedding: "It just seems so futile, ya know. All these women
and...nothing. I feel like Superman without my powers, ya know. I have the cape and yet cannot fly."
Chandler: "Well, now you understand how I feel every single day, OK. The world is my lesbian wedding."

Monica: "God, this is so hard, I can't decide between lamb or duck."
Chandler: "Of course lambs are scarier. Otherwise, the movie would've been called, The Silence of the Ducks."

Chandler: "Hey, stick a fork in me, I am done!"
Phoebe: "Stick a fork what?"
Chandler: "Like when you're cooking a steak."
Phoebe: "Oh, OK, I don't eat meat."
Chandler: "Well then, how do you know when vegetables are done?"
Phoebe: "Well you know, you just, you eat them and you can tell."
Chandler: "OK, then, eat me, I'm done."
To hear it click here

Chandler: "Yes, hitting her with a frying pan's a good idea. We might wanna have a back-up plan, though, just in case she isn't a cartoon."

Joey: "OK, we'll just leave, and when we pass her on the stairs, she won't know it's me 'cause we've never met."
Chandler: "That's how radio stars escape stalkers!"

Susie: "OK, who was the guy that got caught masturbating?"
Chandler: "He wasn't masturbating. He was looking for his bus money."

Susie: "Oh, shoot! We gotta go, got a reservation in 30 minutes."
Chandler: "Oh no no no no no no no, you see, what I had planned shouldn't take more than two, three minutes tops."

Chandler to Susie: "Well, if I was wearing your underwear then, uh, what would you be
wearing?...You're swell!"

Susie: "It's nice to see you're not still wearing that denim cap with all the little mirrors on it."
Chandler: "Oh, right. Well, yeah, I graduated fourth grade and realized I wasn't a pimp."

Susie: "How come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth and licking you all over?"
Chandler: "Because I went to an all-boys high school and God is making up for it."

Joey:" Some girl ate Monica. "
Monica: "Shut up, the camera adds ten pounds. "
Chandler: "Ahh, so how many cameras are actually on you?"
To hear this quote click here

Ross: "Wha...OK, now how do you know that?"
Phoebe: "Because she's your lobster"
Chandler: "Oh, she's goin' somewhere!"

Monica: "Oh, ummm, that was my bathing suit from high school. I was, uh, a little bigger then."
Chandler: "Oh, I thought that's what they used to cover Connecticut when it rained."
Rachel: "Oh my God!"
Joey: "What is with your nose?"
Rachel: "They had to reduce it because of, of my deviated septum."
Chandler: "OK. I was wrong. That's what they used to cover Connecticut."

Chandler: "What's this?"
Joey: "Eight hundred and twelve bucks."
Chandler: "Well, I don't know what Big Leon told ya, but it's an even thousand if you want me for the whole night."

Chandler: "What?" realizes the woman walked away because of the bracelet Joey gave him "Oh this is excellent. You know, he could've gotten me a VCR, he could've gotten me a set of golf
clubs, but no. He has to get me the woman repeller. The eyesore from the Liberace House of Crap."

Joey referring to the bracelet he gave to Chandler: "You have any idea what this'll do for your sex life?"
Chandler: "Well, it'll probably slow it down at first, but once I get used to the extra weight, I'll be back on track."

Ross hanging up after taking message from KC for Rachel: "What uh, what does he want with her?"
Chandler: "I'm guessing he wants to do a little dance...you know, make a little love...pretty much get down tonight."

Joey: Well OK then. [oven timer goes off behind Chandler] Was that the oven timer?
Chandler: That's right my friend. It's time for...
Both: Baywatch!! [both turn on TV's]
To hear this one click here

Eddie: "Woah, woah, woah, what're, what're you talkin' about man?"
Chandler: "Hannibal Lector...better rommate than you."

Eddie: "Ah-ah-ah. You know what this is?"
Chandler: "Your last roommate's kidney?"

Chandler regarding Eddie: "Yes, yes I actually saw him leave. I mean, that guy is standing in the window holding a human head. He is standing in the window holding a human head!!!! To hear this quote click here

Eddie: "Hey man, check it out, I got some great stuff to dehydrate here. I got some grapes, got some apricots, I thought it would be really cool to see what happens with these water balloons.
Chandler: "Get out. Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out."

Monica: "Alright. I've got a leg, three breasts and a wing."
Chandler: "Well, how do you find clothes that fit?"

Richard: "Well, we had a table in college."
Chandler: "Oh really? I didn't know they had foosball in the 1800s!"

Chandler: "You're just...you're just clearly not familiar with our young person's vernacular. See, when we say dad, we mean buddy. We mean pal."
Richard: "Uh-huh. Yeah."
Chandler: "No, no, seriously. Joey's my dad. Monica's my dad. I've even got some dads down at work."

Chandler to Rachel in her bridesmaids' dress: "I'm sorry, we don't have your
sheep."

Chandler to Monica: "Know Mon, I think you should really think about this marriage thing. I mean, they gave Rachel another try, dressed her up like Princess Bubble Yum."

Joey: Oh, I’m sorry. Did I get ‘ya?
Chandler: No, you didn’t get me!! It’s an electric drill, you get me, you kill me!!
To hear this one click here

Joey: "Oh mommie, oh daddie, I am a big old baddie! Oh
mommie, oh daddie, I am a big old baddie!"
Ross: "I guess he musta gotten the part in that play."
Monica and Phoebe: "Oh."
Chandler: "Yeah, either that, or Gloria Estefan was right,
eventually, the rhythm is going to get you."

Phoebe: "Whoa-whoa-whoa, you guys, do you know
anything about chicks? "
Chandler: "Fowl? No. Women? Nooo. "

Ross: Every week, the TV Guide comes to Chandler and
Joey’s apartment. What name appears on the address
label?
Rachel: Chandler gets it! It’s Chandler Bing!
Monica: No!!
Ross: I’m afraid the TV Guide comes to Chanandler Bong.
Monica: I knew that! Rachel! Use you’re head!
Chandler: Actually, it’s Miss Chanandler Bong.
To hear it click here

Ross: "I mean, why not! I mean, I mean why not?! Chandler:
Because you’ve only known her for six weeks! Okay, I’ve
got a carton of milk in my fridge I’ve had a longer
relationship with!"
Ross: "Look guys, when I’m with her it’s-it’s-it’s like she
brings this-this this great side out of me. I mean I-I-I love
her, y’know?"
Chandler: "And I love the milk! But, I’m not gonna some
British girl to move in with me! Joey, you say things now. "

Ross: "Yeah, she’s got to go back to London. But you know
what? I’ve been prepared for this from the start. We both
knew we had two weeks together, and that’s it. Y’know."
Joey: "Hey that’s what all my relationships are like".
Chandler: "Yes, but in Ross’s case, they both know in two
weeks that’s it. "

Phoebe: "Oh y’know what’s sadder than this? Bambi. I cried for three days with that movie. No wait two! Because on the third day my mother killed herself so I was partly crying for that."
Chandler: (totally not crying)" Well see now that I can see crying over, but Bambi is a cartoon!"
Joey: (crying) "You didn’t cry when Bambi’s mother died?"
Chandler: "Yes it was very sad when the guy stopped drawing the deer!"